Online Dating: After the First Date, You are Competing with a Fantasy

A few weeks ago, I had a first date with a girl I met online. I liked her and wanted to move things forward. I generally play it cool after the first date. I may text her the next day or the day after. But I typically don’t set up a date right away. I try to avoid making a second date within a week of the first. This is follows general game principles where you want to make it seem like you’re interested, but not too interested.

But I’ve noticed something interesting after those first dates. Women typically seem cool to me. Now it’s possible they’re not into as much in person, just like I’m not into a lot of these women. But I feel like there is something else going on here.

When I went to arrange a second date with this woman, she was cool to me. She took too long to text back when I asked her out. And I lost interest. Part of the factor was that I had other options online. There were some women I was talking with whom I hadn’t met. Those women seemed exciting to me. I wasn’t going to waste my time with someone who was lukewarm to me when I could meet someone who was really into me and who may have more qualities of what I’m looking for in a woman.

The interesting thing though, is that this woman is competing not with other women, but with the possibility of other women.

I think in some sense, this effect is amplified for women. After the first date, you are competing–not with other guys who may have similar or dissimilar characteristics as yourself–you are competing with the possibility, the fantasy inherent in a new guy that she hasn’t yet met.

If she’s a hot girl, she may have five guys who she is conversing with online. They have great pics. They’re funny online. They seem interesting. She has a fantasy about each of those guys. That level of fantasy is difficult to match in person. Once you meet in person, a certain level of that fantasy is gone. So now you’ve met each other. She’s still talking to four other guys online. You as a real person are competing with the fantasy and potential of those other guys.

The point of all of this is that I wonder if playing it cool after the first date is always the best option. I wonder if making a second date sooner, like a few days later, is better than waiting a week and a half. The doubters will say that if she is into you, she’s into you. She can wait longer. But it’s also possible that if you wait too long, she will move on to other guys in her mind.


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